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Gay Romance Stories and Sex Scenes

25/9/2014

16 Comments

 
I'm a guest blogger on multitaskingmomma talking about reading gay romance and why I don't write explicit sex scenes in my stories. It's not graphic or offensive for anyone who's worried with a sensitive nature. I am, as always, tasteful and understated.

The text is copied here for those who subscribe to my blog:

On Bedtime Stories Anthology: Frangipani Kisses 

"This is a love story but without eroticism and we see here that it is indeed possible to depict love without including sex." "m: You talk about life and men in the gay community but not so much the romances." "This was a nice story, not really a romance, but a fairly sweet story of a gay man finding ‘himself’."

These are some review comments I’ve had about Frangipani Kisses and I’d like to explore why I write like this a bit in this post. It’s a few thoughts I’ve had as a gay man writing gay romance. I’m not saying women shouldn’t write gay romance, because fiction should be judged on its merits, not the author’s gender but I do have some observations on gay romance as a gay man reading it. I may be barking up the wrong tree as it’s a genre a lot of women enjoy reading, but as I am the type of man mainly portrayed in these stories, I think I can say my piece, even if I end up killing some gay romance fairies somewhere.

Gay romance vs gay fiction
If I’ve understood it correctly, the difference between gay romance, and gay fiction is the former has an origin in slash fiction, and has an emphasis on the romance element and hence has a love story and a happy ever after. The latter has an emphasis on the experience of living/coming out *as a gay man* doesn’t tend to have much in the way of romance, and doesn’t necessarily have a happy ever after, and in fact often has a very sad ending, all ending in drugs or disease filled deaths.

Where’s the emphasis in gay romance – the gay or the romance?
I’m a self-confessed gay romance virgin, so I recently read a few gay romance books, and I’d read a few last summer too, and I have a few observations. I am not mentioning names of authors or stories as this isn’t about mud-slinging, it is about some observations I have made, good and bad. I know that I’ve not read every gay romance out there. I know I’ve not read as many as many other readers have read, but just bear with me on this OK? From my reading, the emphasis in gay romance is on the romance element. In this romance = graphic sex (in many); happily ever after; strong attraction between two male characters. Conversely the gay element tends to be pushed into second place, with some of the portrayals of gay men not resembling any gay men’s lives I’ve seen or heard of. OK, there may be gay firemen and policemen, but honestly I’m sorry to say there are loads more gay hairdressers and flower arrangers *g*. I found that some of the conversations the characters had weren’t anything I’ve ever had with any of my gay friends. I have never had a conversation with any of my gay friends about preferred position in sex. I’m just putting that out there. That’s not to say I don’t talk about sex with them, of course we do, but not in that way. Also we don’t sit around giving each other tutorials about how to have the perfect bum sex either; we’ve got other more interesting things to do. There may well be gay men who do this, but I’ve not met any of them.  

Do I write romances?

"m: You talk about life and men in the gay community but not so much the romances." 
"This was a nice story, not really a romance, but a fairly sweet story of a gay man finding ‘himself’."


At first I was a bit surprised when I read that I didn’t write romances. To me it seems obvious I write about romances. I write stories with gay men as the main characters. Each story has a character looking for, losing, keeping love with another gay man, or a combination of all three. In Frangipani Kisses the story is of a long term couple and how they’re still very much in love with each other. To me all of these are romance. I tend to write more every day gay men, as I prefer to read about every day characters’ lives. I read chick lit, and enjoy reading a hero and heroine I can imagine being friends with, or having in my life in some way. That’s why I write more every day, boy next door typed gay men I think. You’re more likely to find a gay accountant or plumber in my stories than an astronaut or rocket scientist – not that there’s anything wrong with writing gay astronaut/cowboys/rocket scientist, it’s just I don’t tend to write them. Also it’s because that’s what I have more knowledge of from my gay male friends. And they say you should write what you know, so... So perhaps in my gay romance, my emphasis is, unwittingly, on the gay, and I show romance in a different way too. I suppose this isn’t too surprising since *as a gay man* I view everything in a slightly gay way.

Why I don’t write graphic sex scenes
I think there are lots more interesting things about gay men than what they do to one another in bed. I prefer to concentrate on the emotions, the love, the romance, than the sex, but that’s me. I suppose that’s what this quote is about. When I read it I thought, of course you can show love without sex. And in Frangipani Kisses, it was the strong loving bond between Keith and John that I wanted to explore, instead of which of them did what to the other in bed.

"This is a love story but without eroticism and we see here that it is indeed possible to depict love without including sex."

I don’t quite fade to black, but I don’t write graphic sex scenes, because I prefer not to read them. I know there are lots of readers and authors who love to write graphic erotic gay sex, and honestly life would be very dull if everyone liked the same thing. I’m not judging, I’m just saying what I like to read and write. And as I’ve written more I’ve found myself writing longer, more involved sex scenes in my more recent stories. The Guardian Angel (out in autumn 2014 from Love Lane Books) has a 3-4 page threesome scene in it, where I describe who’s doing what to whom, but without using graphic language, as that’s my preferred style. It’s key to the plot as it shows how the main character and his boyfriend’s relationship is dysfunctional, particularly by one thing that happens *in the threesome*. In another story, working title, Escaping From Him (out in winter 2015 from Manifold Press) the main character, is trapped in a controlling dysfunctional and highly sexed relationship with an older man, so it’s not all long-term couples in suburban bliss like in Frangipani Kisses. I’ve read some graphic gay sex and for me, as long as it was 1) physically possible 2) portraying safe sex and 3) appropriate for the characters and to progress the story, I couldn’t have been happier – unless I had Thom Evans sat next to me feeding me little chocolate muffins, but that’s not for here.

Let’s just unpack each of those three one at a time.
  1. I’ve read some sex scenes that are either physically impossible, or would be very near impossible. Unless you’re a horny seventeen year old, the possibility of having sex *to a conclusion* and then doing it again straight afterwards is pretty much a no no I’m afraid.
  2. One sex scene described something so unpleasant that I retched. It was anything but ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ as one of the characters described it, it was also something you can only do if you’ve NOT practiced safe sex, which was probably one main issue I had. I grew up in an era of the AIDS don’t die of ignorance tombstones so from an early age safe sex and the dangers of not doing it were all around me. When I came out the youth groups, gay bars and pubs I went to were filled to the brim with free condoms to encourage us all to play safe. I know it’s not a real man having sex with another real man when it’s in a book – I am not stupid. But I think in fiction, as well as reality, if you’re going to describe the detail of what goes where, you should have details about safe sex too. Condoms are freeing as they eliminate the risk of harm. Thirty years of safe sex has been all about condoms, so why shouldn’t the fictional men we portray do this too? The language people use about HIV can be very emotive and I was disappointed to see two HIV negative men described as ‘clean’ in one story; it was the one thing that took away somewhat from a wonderfully entertaining story.
  3. I’ve read some full strength graphic sex in some gay romances but when it showed me something about the characters, a weakness, an addiction, something like that, it was another thing the character did, to make him that character. And when it was a necessary scene to move forward the plot, I could see why it had been included and it was all good. I’ve also read chapter long sprawling double digit page sex scenes which served no purpose to progress the plot, didn’t show me anything I didn’t already know about the characters, and just felt like they were there for titillation. Now, if it’s erotica you’re wanting to read, that’s exactly what the sex should be there for. But in a romance story, I think the sex should, like the rest of the story, move the plot forward. And of course there’s no reason you can’t have titillation and moving the story forward, which I saw too in some of the stories. I understand many readers enjoy reading sex scenes for their titillation factor, and I also understand many readers of gay romance are women. As a man, I would not read fiction for titillation as men – I’m told – are much more visually stimulated. I would *cough cough* watch a film perhaps...but any more of that’s not for here either.

So those are my, very male, very gay views about the portrayal of gay men, sex scenes and gay romance stories. I am not every gay man, I know this. I am one gay man reading about other versions of gay men in fiction and wanting to share my thoughts.

What does gay romance mean to you?
Does it have to include graphic sex?
Can it include established couples, or does it have to be a first meeting of two men?

If you’d like to try some of gay romance, my virtual book shelf with reviews of published books and story samples is here http://www.liamlivings.com/stories.html

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/liam.livings

Twitter @LiamLivings
Liam Livings xx
16 Comments
Lane Swift link
25/9/2014 05:57:28 am

In answer to your questions:
Romance to me is a story about two people finding love and/or working out how to make it last. I read all combinations of genders, though mostly gay and lesbian. You might find this funny (or insert adjective of your choice), but as a bi woman married to a man, I generally don't feel I can relate to the women in m/f romance.
It seems most stories I've come across start at the beginning of a relationship, but I'd happily read established relationship stories.
I don't need graphic sex (Tamara Allen is one author who comes to mind who doesn't write it and I love her stories) but I won't deny I enjoy it if it's part of the story, it's loving and it deepens my understanding of the characters and them getting to know each other. I admit, sometimes I skim the sex scenes because I'm unable to suspend my disbelief or they're just plain boring. (I laughed at your comment about the 'round 2' ones, because, yeah, I've never been so lucky as to meet a guy with that capability and I've yet to meet anyone else who has either!)
In summary, I think there's an opportunity to explore intimacy in romance writing but it shouldn't be at the expense of all the other factors that solidify a relationship.
Oh, and an addendum! One of the most moving sex scenes I've read recently was in Stephen King's 'The Dead Zone'. Not a romance, not gay and a very sad ending. That scene though was breathtaking.

Reply
Charlie Cochrane
1/10/2014 06:21:08 pm

Tamara's "Whistling in the Dark" is one of my fave gay romance books.

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:43:18 am

Noted, Charlie, Thanks!

Liam Livings
25/9/2014 05:42:08 pm

Hi Lane, very good points, thanks! Round 2 - I read this quite often in the gay romance I've read. I'll check out that author you mentioned.
Liam :-)

Reply
Elin
2/10/2014 05:32:52 pm

And once you've read Whistling in the Dark, give The Only Gold a go. It's fantastic

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:44:00 am

Thanks, Elin. Another one for the list.

Jamie Fessenden link
30/9/2014 07:07:55 am

I've blogged more than once about the obsession with anal sex in the MM Romance genre. In a recent poll, only about 40 percent of the gay men polled had had anal sex within the time frame designated. It just isn't the ultimate expression of True Love readers and writers in this genre seem to think it is. And the whole top/bottom thing is really overblown, as well.

In my own writing, I write explicit when it works -- I'm not stupid, I know what sells -- but if it doesn't work, I'll fade to black. The level of explicitness is less important to me than the story and realism. I'm not going to write about somebody having sex for the first time immediately choosing anal as his first option, because I was having sex for years before I tried it. It just doesn't ring true for me.

I believe that about men being more visual. I don't often read for stimulation. If I want porn, I'll watch a video.

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:42:29 am

Hi Jamie,
I've read your blogs about that. I think straight people are more obsessed with the whole top/bottom thing than most gay men, which is why reading it in fiction doesn't ring true for me.
'The level of explicitness is less important to me than the story and realism.' Exactly!
The men I've spoken to are all much more visual than women. Science or something!
Liam :)

Reply
Anna Martin
1/10/2014 03:20:25 am

I've heard the expression "romance with a capital R" a few times before, and I think it's an interesting distinction. There are a lot of authors who write stories that might have a romantic element to them, but those books get classified as YA or crime or thrillers, or whatever. Romance, as "Romance" is about a relationship. I see a lot of people making that distinction in our genre as the difference between 'MM romance' and 'gay fiction'.

To be honest, I think the fact that these distinctions are coming about is HUGE. It means the sub-genres are growing at a rate which means readers can be picky and say "I want a gay sci-fi dystopian story with no erotic content" and someone will pipe up and say "read THIS book, it's just what you want". We're not lumping LGBT stories together as one genre any more, which was always stupid in the first place. We're seeing the nuances and the differences between, for example, your story in the Bedtime Stories anthology and mine!! Or the difference between yours and Blaine's.

Like you said, all of these different sub-genres can co-exist peacefully in what is a massively growing market. If there's one thing for sure, it's that whatever you write under the umbrella of LGBT fiction, someone's going to want to read it. And that's freaking awesome.

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:46:53 am

Hi Anna, I think that's a good distinction between mm/ gay romance and gay fiction. What I struggle with is that romance has to include sex. If it's about a relationship, then you can show romance and the relationship in loads of other ways than sex. Popular women's fiction doesn't have much sex in it, it's all about the emotions, the love, the feelings.
More sub genres is always good I agree.
Liam :-)

Reply
Elin
2/10/2014 12:37:39 am

I reckon part of the fascination with who does what to whom is a genuine wistful delight in a encounter between equals who can, if they wish, chop and change, something missing from a lot of M/F relationships where, without question, it - um - all goes one way.

I'm with you about not actually needing sex scenes, euphemistic sex scenes, or graphic sex scenes, though quite enjoying them in the right context, but I'm really fed up with scrolling past page after page of angsty grunting that don't tell me anything about the characters other than flexibility and stamina.

As for writing, I've tried romance without sex, with non-explicit sex and with the whole hog and have received reviews like "Where was the sex??!?" and "They didn't do it PROPERLY" and "They didn't even have sex", that last from a male reader complaining about lack of anal. I figue that all I can do is approach the subject on a case by case basis, do what feels right for the character's personalities, and right with as much care and respect as I can, then keep my fingers crossed that I don't cause too much offence. I mean well, even if I fail in the execution.

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:49:13 am

Hi Elin, I'd never thought about it like that in terms of who does what to whom. Although, in my experience people are rarely as simple as *only one thing* they do in bed.
I've certainly scrolled past some pointless gratuitious not plot forwarding sex scenes in gay and straight romance.
What feels right for the character's personalities, that is the key to all this I think.

Reply
amelia bishop link
3/10/2014 12:24:13 am

There is romance in almost every genre. Pretty much, any good story has a strong romantic element. But, Romance (capital R) is a genre that has a huge readership, and those readers have very strong expectations. m/m Romance readers are no different. HEA endings and sex are a big part of those expectations.
I think for me as a Romance reader, I need to see some sex. It doesn't need to be on page or explicit at all, but I need to know the characters got together in a physical way (unless they are non-sexual for some reason) in order to feel the connection between them is solid.
I agree, though, that the story is told elsewhere. The characters are developed and the relationship grows mostly through interactions outside the bedroom (just like in real life relationships). And the best sex scenes, to me, are those that are short and character centered. Physical passion without emotion to fuel it is always going to be weak.

Reply
Liam Livings
3/10/2014 03:51:40 am

Hi Amelia, I'm with you on the HEA as that's a romance norm everyone's accepted. I'm not sure I agree about the sex tbh. I think there's a lot of different ways of showing sex in a romance novel as you've said.
'Physical passion without emotional to fuel it is always going to be weak.' Couldn't have said it better myself.
Liam :-)

Reply
Rhoda Baxter link
20/11/2014 08:49:19 pm

Totally spot on blog post. A lot of what you talk about affects m/f romance novels too. I don't write graphic sex scenes because I don't like reading them. Unfortunately, a lot of people think romance is either all about sex, or all about brainless characters, or both. Very irritating.
I think Romance is about love and the sex has to serve the story - and not the other way around.

Reply
Liam Livings
21/11/2014 01:52:43 am

Thanks, Rhoda. I didn't know that about m/f romance novels, so that's interesting.
"I think Romance is about love and the sex has to serve the story - and not the other way around." - ABSOLUTELY!

Reply



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