Liam Livings
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Grief is the price we pay for love 2 of 2

22/8/2014

11 Comments

 
This is the second of my posts about why I lost a bit of my sparkle in June. Here's the first part. I wasn’t able to write or talk about it then, but now time has passed, I can share what happened. Since I’m an author I’ve done it in the form of a story.

*Opens page of book*

August 2014

Liam and his mum went to the crematorium’s garden of remembrance to bury her ashes. The man from the crematorium had scattered pink rose petals at the bottom of the small hole in the ground.  Liam and his mum scattered half the ashes each into the hole and topped them with the remaining rose petals. Liam hugged his mum and said they’d done a good job looking after Great Auntie together over the years. Liam’s mum nodded and wiped her eyes with a tissue.

Then

Since the mid nineties Liam’s mum helped run Great Auntie’s life for her, organising for home care, installing a downstairs bathroom, repairing her house, organising for her to go twice weekly to a day centre, having her for Christmas in her house in the New Forest, or booking her a place at a church dinner.

Since 2008 Liam started to help his mum look after Great Auntie, since the suburban house they moved to was fifteen minutes from hers. Great Auntie had no children, and both Liam’s grandmas had died before he was born, so Great Auntie, his maternal grandma’s sister, was the nearest he had to a grandma. Liam visited Great Auntie every week to pick up the things that fell in the gaps between different agencies’ responsibilities:
  • Co-ordinated her care with the home care agency – he was happy to ‘be the bad guy’ as his Mum described it, because Great Auntie would never complain herself
  • washed her hair when she stopped going to the day centre where it had been washed. At first he walked her to the kitchen sink and then outside in the sun for it to dry while he mowed her lawn
  • cleaned and trimmed her nails and put hand cream on them
  • attended social care reviews to discuss how to ensure she remain in her own home safely
  • argued with the local pharmacy when their ‘policy’ changed so they couldn’t deliver Great Auntie’s medication to the house using a key safe so someone had to be there to take delivery. He asked all Great Auntie’s neighbours if they could take delivery once a month and no one called him back. He asked if the pharmacy could deliver to his home, but that was too far from their catchment area. He asked if the prescription could be sent to a pharmacy near him which he could then collect, but that was outside the GP’s catchment area. Eventually he agreed that the care agency would collect the medication once a month while in the town doing Great Auntie’s shopping
  • serviced or replaced her appliances – who can forget the Great Auntie’s new washing machine saga of March 2014?
  • had Freeview installed so she could watch TV after the analogue aerial was disconnected
  • made flat pack clothes rails – he laughed because he doesn’t even do that sort of thing in his house
  • visited her every Christmas Day since 2008
  • Celebrated her birthdays with cards, chocolates and photos. She asked if ‘all these flowers and cards’ were for her on her 90th birthday
  • Ate fish and chips with her – plaice was her favourite and had to be requested from the chippie each time. He used to call the fish and chip shop as he left his house, so the plaice was ready to collect when he arrived
  • Watched TV with her when she became unsteady on her feet so had to stay in bed – episodes of Birds of a Feather, All Creatures Great and Small, wildlife programmes
  • Paid for her Daily Mirror and The People’s Friend at the newsagent, until she could no longer read them
  • Took her to the local hospital for an assessment for cataracts surgery. She had the operation on one eye in 2012, greatly improving her ability to recognise who was who in the family pictures
  • Brought two of her old friends from Harlow to visit her and eat with her
  • Ask her who everyone was in the photos she had and talk about who they were, including the picture of her husband in his soldier’s uniform
On Thursday 5 June Great Auntie died, aged 92. She saw her GP, with Liam on Monday 2 June about her legs – a concern the carers had raised with him. The GP said her legs were fine and she wasn't in any pain or discomfort. On Thursday 5 June Liam visited Great Auntie, cleaned her hands and nails, put hand cream on. Liam’s Mum had permed Great Auntie’s hair on Tuesday 3 June and spent 2 and 3 June with her. On 5 June Liam sat with Great Auntie, holding her hand while they watched the Queen and the French president. Liam asked her who the woman in pink was and she said 'it’s the Queen dear.' He asked her who he was, and who his mum was, and she correctly said her nephew and niece. She said she felt 'a bit sicky' (which the carers had reported to Liam and his Mum earlier that day.) Liam sat with her and helped her sip juice and wiped her mouth when she felt a bit sick. He asked if she was in pain and she said, 'no, just feel a bit sicky, dear.' 

He left her at about 6.30pm on 5 June. The carers visited her at 7pm and reported Great Auntie didn't look well, and did Liam and his mum want to call an ambulance for her to be taken to hospital? Liam discussed this with his mum and said as Great Auntie wasn't ill with anything a hospital could fix, the disturbance of moving her to hospital wasn't what they or Great Auntie wanted. The carers went back to visit Great Auntie at 8.15pm that night (an extra visit they weren't meant to do, because they were concerned about her.) Liam agreed with his mum he would visit Great Auntie later that night to see how she was. Liam waited until his boyfriend, James was home from work at 9pm and they ate dinner together. He arrived at Great Auntie’s at 10.15pm and she was in bed, her eyes closed and mouth open slightly. He held her hand, which was still slightly warm and tried to wake her. He checked her pulse and breath with a mirror and realised she had passed away.  When the ambulance arrived, the paramedic woman said she had fallen asleep and not woken up. There was no evidence of her being sick or any discomfort. They said the time of death was between 8.15 and 10.15, maybe an hour or so before Liam arrived. After the ambulance then police then undertakers arrived, Liam got home at 1am. Liam felt very sad he wasn't with Great Auntie when she actually passed away.

Liam’s Mum spoke to Great Auntie’s GP who said their decision not to take her to the hospital was right. Great Auntie always said she wanted to remain in her home as long as possible, which is why they did all they could to ensure she stayed there, with support, until the end. Great Auntie didn't want to go into a nursing home if it was avoidable, and the only time she did was a few weeks' respite care in 2008 after a series of falls. She returned home. ‘I’m glad to be back here, dear,’ she said with a smile to Liam from her chair holding a mug of sweet tea as she looked around her chintzy cluttered living room.

At Great Auntie’s funeral Liam and his mum asked for donations to the local cat sanctuary where Liam had adopted his cats. Great Auntie had two cats, Whiskers and Bibby and would often talk to Liam about his cats, when he showed her pictures on his phone. Great Auntie once visited Liam’s house for afternoon tea and stroked Tigger, saying ‘hello pussy!’ as he stretched out on the table in front of her. The cat sanctuary were very pleased Liam and his mum had thought of them. They enjoyed seeing the pictures of Liam and James’ cats and Great Auntie when he dropped off the donations.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

In August Liam and his mum started to sort through Great Auntie’s house. They had the TV on loudly in the background and stopped for regular tea breaks. They found papers and photos from Great Auntie’s life including:
  • Great Auntie’s diaries from 1986 – 1989
  • their marriage certificate from 14 February 1942 when she married at nineteen years of age and her husband had leave from the war
  • birth certificates for Great Auntie and her husband Great Uncle
  • Great Uncle’s fishing trophies
  • Boxes and boxes and albums and albums of mostly named and dated photos going back to the start of the twentieth century
  • her twenty first birthday cards and piles and piles of photos and papers
  • ambulance and hospital discharge notes and hand written notes to the home carers
*closes book*

Don't ever let anyone tell you how you should feel if you lose someone or something dear to you. However you feel is the right feeling for you. Anyone who asked why I was upset as she was *only* my great aunt was told to go forth and multiply but in a much more direct way.

And what will I do with all this information and emotions about Great Auntie? I'm am author, I'll write about it of course!

In my current work in progress, Kev's mum iis very house-proud, and the more I write her, the more she uses elements of Great Auntie in her speech and behaviour. Great Auntie didn't know about my writing as Liam Livings, she became so deaf it was hard to have a full conversation with her, but I hope in some small way she lives on in stories I write.

Normal happy service will be resumed next week.

Liam Livings xxx

Picture
Great Auntie and Great Uncle 1987 in Liam's auntie's garden in Billericay. Great Auntie was 65. She had the same smile and laugh in the photos her friends showed me at the wake, right up to the end.
11 Comments
Elin
22/8/2014 06:02:23 am

She sounds a wonderful woman, and sweetheart she was so lucky to have a great nephew like you. *hugs*

Reply
HJ
22/8/2014 06:04:36 am

Thank you Liam, for such a lovely tribute, and well done.

Reply
Jan
22/8/2014 07:02:55 am

You are right, what you feel is what you feel, grief is a totally personal and unique experience.
Great Auntie sounds to have been a wonderful lady. I work as a home carer and you and your mum should be proud that you were able to keep her in her own home, happy and healthy. I wish all my customers had families who care so much.
Well done, and hugs.

Reply
Liam Livings
24/8/2014 07:33:30 pm

Thanks Elin, she was a wonderful woman. I'm glad I had as near to having a grandma as I did. And she had Mum as a nearly daughter & me as a nearly grandson. Xx

Reply
Liam Livings
24/8/2014 07:35:42 pm

Thanks HJ, it was hard writing it, & I knew I couldn't post it soon after which is why I left it until now. I'm glad I came to UK Meet that soon after GA passed, she wouldn't have wanted me to miss out for her, she never wanted to be a bother to anyone. I listened to my heart & took off to my room as needed. :-)

Reply
Liam Livings
24/8/2014 07:42:30 pm

Thanks Jan. Mum & I had a few times when we has to pull out all the stops to keep GA in her home & by the last year we were picking up a lot of things the agencies didn't do any longer. When she had 2 stay in bed to prevent falls, after trying a special reclining chair she still slipped out of, I asked if she was ok 2 stay in bed & understood why. 'it's so I don't fall & better if I want to sleep' she said.
'otherwise you could go into a nursing home' I asked.
'I want to stay here, I like my own place' she said.
The lovely carers said what you said too - other clients has no or little involvement from family.

Reply
Val
25/8/2014 06:13:35 pm

In life, we come across some wonderful people that touch our hearts forever. GA was your grandmother, you adopted each other. You did far more for her then most grandsons would ever do, she was extremely lucky to have you in her life, just as you were to have her. Most people don't even know who their great aunts are, let alone have anything to do with them. People make up all sorts of excuses not to help someone stay at home, instead of just simply doing what they can to help. Many others wouldn't be bothered with excuses, they wouldn't be there to ask, an elderly relative couldn't possibly be there concern, even if it was a parent. I know this as a fact, I was administrator in a care home. Many of our old dears never got visitors, despite having family living nearby.
We are each responsible for our own lives, and how we treat the people around us. Anyone reading this can see what a remarkable young man you are. Your mum is also wonderful, isn't she?
Yes, loving people hurts when they die. But I'd rather grieve for them than never have known their love in my life.

Reply
Liam Livings
27/8/2014 01:01:48 am

Val, she was my grandma you're right.
Mum is amazing too. We has a fair few 'this is it she's got to go into a nursing home' moments but we argued/ fixed / rallied round & kept her at home. I worked at a nursing home & was surprised how some residents never had visitors. I'm not against nursing homes, sometimes it's the right thing. BF's nan was in one in Scotland, v happy, v well looked after. But GA was always v clear w me & Mum she wanted to stay at her home as long as possible.

Reply
Beverley Jansen link
27/8/2014 08:02:48 am

I have just read both of your posts about your sad losses, and am sitting here sniffing I'm afraid. Bless your heart. I didn't realise when I met you at that bar in Bristol on the 6th that you had suffered such a series of losses inc. your Great Aunty the day before. I'm so sorry. I empathise with the way you've described your sadness and it is true that great grief shows great heart. Even though it is now 3 years every so often I wake up in the morning and remember my Mum is dead and it is a physical blow of pain. Never let anyone tell you how to grieve, who to grieve for or how long. It is an intensely personal thing. Lots of Hugs Liam

Reply
Liam Livings
27/8/2014 06:54:25 pm

Hi Beverley, sorry I made you cry, but every time I re-read the posts I cried too. It has only been since last week I could read them and cope with the crying, which is why I didn't post it earlier.
Yes, she died the day before we met in Bristol. I knew I wanted to go to UK Meet - some may think that cold-hearted, but GA wouldn't have wanted me to miss out on something I'd worked hard for, on her behalf. (hugs) I think you'll continue to feel that physical blow of pain when you remember your mum has died, probably for ever. I still feel it when I think about Dad, twelve years later. It is very personal, you're right. You and others I met at the UK Meet were a bright ray of sunshine after losing GA so recently, exactly what I needed. I'm glad I came and met you too. xx

Reply
Kayla W link
6/1/2021 07:05:35 pm

Thank yoou

Reply



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