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Is Emotional Cheating Actually Cheating?

12/3/2016

10 Comments

 
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I'm blogging on Joyfully Jay about friends to lovers and if emotional cheating is really cheating. I'm also giving away an ebook for two lucky randomly selected commenters. All you have to do is let me know what you think about my theory on emotional cheating in the blog either on my blog here or on the Joyfully Jay blog. On Saturday 19 March I'll check the comments on both blogs and randomly select someone.

To enter, by midnight GMT on 19 March, please include in your comment:
  • your views on my blog post - please play nicely and politely, I'd like to have a debate not a fight!
  • your email address so I can contact you

Happy commenting and reading! The blog is copied below as well as in the above links.

Is emotional cheating actually cheating?
Or, to put it another way, when is cheating not cheating? I think cheating is only cheating when it involves something physical happening by interacting with another person.
This debate came up because Gabe and Dominic, the two main characters in And Then That Happened, both have boyfriends when they meet. At first they are friends, but then as it becomes apparent there are a whole host of issues in their own relationships, they look to one another for emotional support and solace. Evidently, this is emotional cheating. Or is it?

If you read the reviews on Goodreads And Then That Happened really divided opinions. One reviewer said it was, ‘a beautifully rendered portrait of the death of a long-term relationship and the long, slow birth of a new one.’ Another review said, Dominic ‘was emotionally cheating on Luke the whole time, which in many ways is worse imo.’ Personally I’m happier to have made some strong reactions from the story than to have been faced with a sea of meh whatever reviews. Just to let you know, Dominic and Gabe end up together at the end of the story – it’s not a massive spoiler really is it, because it’s a gay romance, so a happy ending is expected. I’ll come back to the reaction it got from readers and why I think that is.

I think this concept of getting emotional support from someone other than your boyfriend isn’t cheating. I’m quite black and white about this; if something physical happens with another person that’s cheating. Going to someone for emotional support; discussing personal problems with someone other than your boyfriend; even beginning to fall for someone else emotionally – for me, none of these count as cheating.

At its most basic level, if your boyfriend falls in love with someone else you can’t stop that from happening. You can’t make people love you or fall in love with you; it just happens. In And Then That Happened, Dominic and Gabe realise the full feelings they have for one another gradually. So if your boyfriend’s fallen for someone else there are a few choices: you leave him to be with the other person – a sort of if you love him set him free approach. Or you fight for him to stay with you (and in my experience he’ll leave you anyway a few months later.) In short, once he’s fallen in love with someone else, the love in your relationship is on its way out the door, so you’re probably both better off out of that relationship. This applies to falling in love with someone, not physical cheating which is a whole different kettle of fish we don’t have time for here.

As for all the rest of the emotional ‘cheating’ this indicates for me that emotional support is lacking in your own relationship, so the partner can’t come to you for this, he turns to someone else. Or it may be that the emotional cheating is about your relationship, and that the partner has tried to talk to you about it, but you’re not interested in hearing it, so who can blame him for seeking emotional support from someone else? For me, this is definitely still NOT cheating. And if you do think it’s cheating, then I put it to you that you’re focussing on the wrong thing. Instead, how about trying to focus on why he’s discussing your failing relationship with someone else, or what’s gone wrong emotionally in your own relationship?

Same gender friendships
What struck me about the reaction to And Then That Happened on Goodreads was how some of the reviews were so black and white about this emotional cheating aspect. I’m going to try and unpack why I think that is. I can’t know this without actually talking to the people who left those reviews, but based on statistics in the gay romance genre, 70% or more of the readers will be women. I think what’s happened is these women may have imposed their ideas of emotional cheating from their straight relationship with a man into the gay friendship between Gabe and Dominic. (I know not all the female readers will be straight women, some may be bisexual and others may be lesbian, but again, based on the general readership of the genre, and the population overall, the majority tend to be women who identify as straight.)

And here’s the problem with imposing a straight set of values onto a gay friendship and gay relationship: most straight women tend to have close and sharing emotional relationships with other straight women and not straight men. Hence the likelihood of this emotional cheating happening between a straight women and her straight male friend are relatively low. However, most gay men tend to have this sort of emotional sharing and close relationship with either a straight woman or another gay man. (Again, this isn’t based on anything scientific, except my friendships, those of my friends, and others I know of. I’m not saying gay men aren’t friends with straight women, it’s that gay men’s friendships with other gay men that include emotional support are more common that straight women’s friendships with straight men that include emotional support.) And in the latter situation – two gay men being friends – unlike the former – two straight women being friends – there is the possibility of sexual physical cheating happening.

So what does all this mean? Just like Dominic and Gabe’s friendship in And Then That Happened, it is common for two gay men to have an emotionally supportive friendship where what could be viewed as emotional cheating takes place – but in many gay men’s support systems that is the only option they have for this sort of support, whatever it’s about. The fact the two gay men emotionally support one another behind their boyfriends’ backs is due to them having that close emotional bond (in the same way two straight women could be very close friends). And the fact that these two gay men could physically cheat on their boyfriends with each other, doesn’t mean that 1) they will and 2) that the emotional support is cheating or 3) that gay men shouldn’t look to one another for emotional support while being in a relationship.

That’s pretty complicated isn’t it, and only now having written it down do I realise how complex it is, although it’s something I’ve taken for granted my whole adult life as I’ve had many close friendships with other gay men, while we both often had boyfriends.

If I got funny about Himself having close gay male friends he wouldn’t have much of his close friendship group left. Many of these guys are his ex boyfriends anyway. Similarly, I’m still friends with quite a few of my ex boyfriends, because you know, people move on, relationships end, and gay men can be friends with other gay men before and after sleeping with each other, and it’s all fine.

If you think you’d like to read about two men starting as friends and ending as lovers in what I hope is a realistic portrayal of gay male relationships, I’d love you to try And Then That Happened.
Buy links
  • Amazon.com 
  • Amazon.co.uk
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Should you settle for a nearly perfect happiness or put your heart on the line for more?
It’s 1999 and 28-year-old Dominic’s carefully planned suburban life with his boyfriend Luke is perfect. His job as a nurse, his best friend Matt, his relationship with his parents, everything is just right. He and Luke have been together ten years, seen each other through friends’ deaths and their parents’ ups and downs, and even had a commitment ceremony.

Gabe isn’t happy with his boyfriend, but he stays with him, because, well it’s complicated.
Fate throws Gabe into Dominic’s life. And then that happened. Gabe’s open relationship, impulsive nature, enthusiasm for life and straight talking advice are fascinating to Dominic. They’re friends, they click over a shared love of Goldie Hawn and Gabe shows Dominic there can be more to life than planned and safe. So why can’t he take his own advice?
And Then That Happened is about finding a new kind of happiness, even when what you have is already perfect. And how sometimes perfect isn’t quite what it seems



10 Comments
Samantha Derr
13/3/2016 04:18:10 am

I feel like this post is conflating friendship (or an otherwise platonic relationship) with something romantic. If it's just a friendship, however, close or deep, then no, that's not cheating. And it's not unrealistic to think or expect that a person would have someone outside the relationship with whom they can discuss the relationship.

But if it's more along the lines of a romantic relationship, then yes, on some level you are cheating, even if you're not ever physical.

I had a friend who was with her girlfriend for 10+ years. Until that girlfriend started spending *hours* texting and emailing a former ex. And it wasn't because the ex was a sounding board for a failing relationship. It was't because my friend and the girlfriend were failing to communicate or offer each other emotional support.

The ex contacted her one day, and she spent something like six months carrying on a relationship with that ex. When she eventually told my friend she no longer wanted to continue their relationship, she was inordinately proud to be able to say, "It was just texting. It was never physical."

And while clearly this article would see that as an important difference, for my friend it wasn't. Ok, so they never had sex. But she was still investing large amounts of time, time she wasn't spending with her actual girlfriend with whom she was living and sharing a mortgage, texting and emailing and engaging romantically with another woman. All the while hiding it from my friend.

That's cheating. It was never physical, but it was emotional. It's still cheating.

No, you can't control how you feel or who you love. But you can control your actions and how you handle the situation or treat the people who may be affected by your actions.

Reply
Liam Livings
13/3/2016 04:34:03 am

that's an interesting perspective. see I think Dominic and Gabe was just friendship and not emotional cheating but it seems some readers didn't agree. obviously everyone's entitled to their views but again I think it's v nuanced and subjective what is friendship supporting and what is more.
thanks for commenting :-)

Reply
Liam Livings
24/3/2016 09:58:34 am

Hi Samantha,
you've won the ebook, please could you contact me to let me know which of my books and in which format you'd like it in?
Liam

Reply
Jan
14/3/2016 05:37:12 am

Hmmm, firstly I wonder if there is a male/female divide on this. Barbara Carland used to say that men could give their bodies without giving their hearts.

I think that having deep friendships is fine, we all need the support that a trusted friend gives us and we give to them. My best friend is a gay transman, I'm a (pretty much) straight woman, we are never going to get physical but I love him deeply, he knows everything about me and my relationship with my husband and we flirt and are just totally comfortable together. He gives me the strength to deal with my life that my husband isn't able to give me due to mental illhealth. To me the line between that support and emotional infidelity is when I prefer to look for his company and support over my husbands, or when I put his emotional needs infront of my husbands. I will admit that at times, especially when I am upset or angry I have come very close to crossing that line. IMO if that line is crossed repeatedly then there is probably something seriously wrong within the existing relationship, then it becomes personal choice whether to stay and try to fix it, to develope the 'affair' into a full relationship or just call time on the relationship and fly solo for a while.

Reply
Sandra Lindsey
14/3/2016 11:15:56 am

I think you make a very important point there, about the line being where you prioritise your emotional support... I'd say another factor is secrecy. If you're secretive about meeting up with a close friend of any gender, that's a sign of something being not-quite-right in what should be your primary relationship.

Not sure how I missed reading the blurb for this book when it released, Liam. The title was familiar but not anything else. Think I'll have to go look for it now :-)

Reply
Liam Livings
16/3/2016 04:48:41 am

Hi Sandra,
many others have commented on the secrecy element and I agree that's probably the aspect of the 'emotional cheating' in the story that upset some readers most. However, it has to be said, the two main characters in the story *had* tried to fix their own relationships, but had been ignored by their partners, hence the spending more time with each other. TBH, these things are rarely black and white, as with so much in life. And maybe my black and white definition of cheating is too simplistic. Thanks for commenting and taking part in the debate, Liam :-)

Liam Livings
16/3/2016 04:45:44 am

Hi Jan, I wonder too if there's a male/female divide? Not sure, wonder if there's any research on this? I take your point about putting your friend's needs before your husbands, but what if your relationship with your husband was over in all but the end point of splitting up? If you were in a relationship that needed to end, but you couldn't for whatever reason, end it just yet? Who would be to blame you if you sought that support (putting the other person before your husband) especially if you'd tried to fix your relationship with your husband, but had been met with a brick wall of nothingness. I like the options you list at the end of your comment - that sums it up nicely for me. Thanks for commenting and engaging in the discussion, Liam :-)

Reply
Helena Stone
17/3/2016 07:01:45 am

Thank you for a very interesting, thought provoking and for me belief confirming post. I have NEVER felt the need to tell my husband he can't be friends with anyone, be they male or female. If he finds emotional support in those friendships, all the better. From a personal perspective, I once found myself in a (health related) situation where I desperately needed someone to talk to and I didn't want it to be my husband. He would have listened. He would have supported me. But he was already running both our lives (at the time including a four year old) on his own with me out of the running. The last thing he needed or I wanted to do was burden him with all the dark and scary thoughts running through my head. I found someone else who listened (in this case female, but it's really irrelevant), and that got me through. My husband has female friends and I have male ones. We trust each other (and I think a lot of the 'cheating' discussion depends on whether or not the person in question trusts their partner). But, as far as I can tell, I'm a bit of the exception to the rule. *Shrugs* I don't do jealousy either.

Reply
Jan
18/3/2016 05:29:24 am

I don't do jealousy either, which must help 'us' keep a more balanced view of our husband's friendships and the trust we have that neither of us will cheat.
My hubby has some amazing friends, they take him away on a regular basis, they are all male, but I know he has had a couple of close female friends and if they can support him in ways that I can't or don't then good for them. None of us can be everything to another person.

Reply
Helena Stone
18/3/2016 06:39:52 am

Exactly. And besides I've never subscribed to the idea that 'just' because you get married to someone you stop having your own identity and life.




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    Liam Livings

    Gay romance & gay fiction author

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