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The Great British Gay Off

17/9/2014

12 Comments

 
We’re about half way through the Great British Bake Off, and I am gripped by it every week. I love how the most trivial things are taken so seriously – the definition of camp: the horror of a burned caramel mix, or the drama around a not-risen sponge. There’s also a fairly high double entendre rating too – discussions about soggy bottoms, how good people’s buns are – it’s a rich seam to mine in that regard. It’s like a Carry On film from the sixties – Carry On Camping with Barbara Windsor’s bra springing off her bosom, or maybe Carry On Matron, Hattie Jacques chasing a very camp and very not interested Kenneth Williams around the hospital.

I digress.

Sorry.

I’ll just pause here for a passenger announcement: ‘Welcome to Liam Livings air. Please fasten your seatbelts for the duration of this flight of fancy. Passengers are reminded this is a joke. If however you feel the need to leave the flight at any point, the emergency exits are located here and here, or just close your web browser.’

So, in honour of the Great British Bake Off, the recent gay games, and the commonwealth games, welcome to my version – The Great British Gay Off.  Mattay Keytay @singingbathmatt gave me the idea for this on Twitter, so thanks!

They would be held over summer, when traditionally there seem to be many other sporting events. They would be televised on BBC 3, with Julian Clarey and Scott Mills as hosts. The judges, obvs would vary depending on the category, but I’d take from the crème de la crème of each category.

I’ve listed a few different games within this competition and how well I’d do at them.

Clothes coordination – capsule wardrobes. Packing for a fortnight within the Rynair 10kg of hand luggage restrictions. My standard weekend away wear consists of a pair of jeans, trainers, and two or three long sleeved cotton T shirts (I won’t countenance anything other than cotton against my skin) and a hoodie. Done. Simple. Actually, maybe I’d do really badly in this category. Although I have a growing wardrobe of natty jackets...so on balance...

Hairdressing – Mum is a  hairdresser, and I’ve sometimes cut her hair, under close supervision obvs. I’ve coloured her hair too. And I’ve been known to sport hair that’s red, blond, and shades in between. I had highlights in my hair, a light frosting from la salon de ma mere (my mum’s salon) until a friend told me I was too old to have highlights. Now I’ve got little grey bits coming through, which I’m half debating whether to colour out, or return to the highlights. I vacillate between options most evenings. It’s been known to keep me awake too. 

Wedding / event planning – I’ve been to a few gay weddings, and they’ve been so varied and perfectly suited the grooms, it was a joy to be there. I don’t think I’d do well with this, as even though I enjoy a good weekend away with friends or a party, the stress of putting together a wedding would somewhat take away from its enjoyment I think.

Decorating – I wouldn’t even get past the heats, or whatever they’re called. I’d be lucky to get past the Essex stage of this. I know when I like an interior decor *look* but have no imagination to translate that into my own home. My flat was white, with pine and mirrored wardrobes, with a light brown carpet. *shaking head at self* I know, I know. I have friends who re-decorate with the seasons, every time I visit them they’ve thrown up some new wallpaper, or painted through all the woodwork. It makes me exhausted just looking at it.
Looking good in Lycra – some would do well at this. Some of the, shall we say, better built men of that persuasion. I only get my legs out 1) on holiday or 2) in extremis when it’s more than 30C. I would do very badly here. 

Beard trimming & Manscaping – I wouldn’t do well at this. I think I’m the only man in the northern hemisphere in his twenties – thirties, without some form of beard. I can never get past the week long itchy scratchy stage, and always cave and shave it off. Apparently the fashion for facial foliage has caused a £72billion loss in razors, shaving gel etc in Europe in the last year.

Quiffs – I think I’d do well in this category. Lift, length of quiff, hold, how short the sides are in comparison to the length of the quiff. I may get a bronze in this. In fact, maybe I’d get silver. *checks quiff in mirror*
Baking and cooking – baking I’d probably get past the Essex heats, but cooking, I’m less into that as I have a really sweet tooth, so tend to be less interested in *proper* cooking. I sometimes go to restaurants and have two desserts if I don’t fancy much from the starters or mains. Try it, waiters look at you like you’ve just asked for a lap dance from them. 

Knowledge of divas' back catalogues – I have a scarily detailed knowledge of ABBA. If there was a book written about it, of a documentary aired about it, I’ve read or watched it. Just to keep up the stereotypes I’ve got *most* of Kylie’s back catalogue – the good, bad and indifferent as she swept through the years. If you search on my iphone for artist, the two most popular are ABBA, Erasure, then Kylie. I’ll just put that out there. I think I’d do well in this category.

Dancing – if knowing the moves to Reach, by S Club Seven, or some of the Steps dance routines counts, I’d do well here. *back from checking it’s 2014* oh, that’s all old hat is it? No matter, then I’d do badly here too I’m afraid.

Partying – Maybe ten years ago or more, I’d have done well here. I used to watch the sun rising over London having been up all night dancing and partying. I used to corner the prettiest drag queens in the VIP lounge at Heaven and chat to them until someone took them away. I went through a period when I told everyone I met in night clubs my job was a biscuit designer. ‘You know the party rings, I came up with the colours,’ I’d say. Much more interesting than what my real job was at the time. My new friends for the night would disappear back to the dance floor, never to be seen again. I know plenty of friends who still burn the candle at both ends, but I’m much more a night in with a film and a takeaway.

Any more categories from you? 
Did you watch the Great British Bake Off, the gay games, the commonwealth games, anything with men in lycra?

I'm doing a giveaway of an ebook copy of Best Friends Perfect Book Two. If you comment to this post by 21.00 GMT on Wednesday 24 September 2014 with your category for the Great British Gay Off, and your email address, I'll enter you into a rafflecopter for a copy of Best Friends Perfect Book Two
which is out now from Amazon.com Amazon.co.uk and Wilde City Press

Enjoy!

Liam Livings

12 Comments
Lane link
22/9/2014 07:26:31 am

Hilarious. There was a time in the early to mid 80's when ABBA weren't cool, but my friends and I had been avid fans since we were in primary school and our loved never diminished. It was a source of ridicule when I went to Uni in 1987. Then by the time I left in 1990 Bjorn Again were on the scene and ABBA was back!
I'd cheer you on in the Gay Off, fellow ABBA fan! If there was a dinner party category, you'd do quite well, wouldn't you?!
A tip from my husband who grew his first beard this year, yum, yum. Try starting with shaving the hair under your chin, as this was the bit that bothered him the most. And I think with your colouring you could rock a bit of grey.

Reply
Liam Livings
23/9/2014 12:25:20 am

Hi Lane, thanks for the beardy tips! I may give it a go. I've been an ABBA fan *way* before it was trendy again.
As for having bits of grey, I will have to debate that.
Liam :-)

Reply
Charlie Cochrane
22/9/2014 11:22:52 pm

ROFL We'd cheer you in the gay off, darlin'. I know some who could give you a run, sorry - sashay - for your money!

Reply
Liam Livings
23/9/2014 12:28:03 am

Hi Charlie, I'd sashay it up big style!
Liam :-)

Reply
Ben B
23/9/2014 05:51:46 pm

I think an ultimate diva icon category could be had! How well do you know your Alexis Colby from your Liza Minelli? Can you act out the famous Crystal - Alexis Dynasty cat fight? How many Golden Girls quotes can you regurgitate in under a minute....

Reply
Liam Livings
24/9/2014 03:00:11 am

Ben B - OMG yes. All of these. Every single one.
Love the Alexis Colby scene where she threatens to sack the board & replace them w one who agree w her. Super bitches.

Reply
Ben B
24/9/2014 03:04:07 am

Ha ha I love that scene. Especially when Bette Midler recreates it in Big Business

Reply
Beverley Jansen link
24/9/2014 03:32:32 am

I'm having deja vu I'm sure I've had this convo with you somewhere else or are you in my dreams now Liam??? Your 'Gay Off' is a sure hit. I love GBBO, I will be quivering with excitement at 8pm tonight and likewise ready on Friday for Jo Brand's extra slice! In addition I have to admit a certain addiction to the front shots of the male 100m race those boys know how to swing!

Reply
Liam Livings
24/9/2014 04:40:20 am

Ben B - oh I love that film. How she's watching that clip in it. Where do you stand on Death becomes
her ?

Reply
Liam Livings
24/9/2014 04:43:20 am

Hi Bev, GBBO tonight so excited. Extra slice is on tonight btw. Don't miss it. :-)

Reply
Ben B
24/9/2014 04:29:47 pm

I loved Death Becomes Her when I first saw it, but have only seen it the once. I need to re watch again I think :-) it has Meryl and Goldie in it, so what's not to love :-)

Reply
Liam Livings
24/9/2014 06:36:49 pm

Ben B - we both have the same taste in films! And music I think! Btw what's your email address as you won the ebook? Liam :-)

Reply



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    Gay romance & gay fiction author

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