I’ll just pause here for a passenger announcement: ‘Welcome to Liam Livings air. Please fasten your seatbelts for the duration of this flight of fancy. Passengers are reminded this is a joke. If however you feel the need to leave the flight at any point, the emergency exits are located here and here, or just close your web browser.’
So, in honour of the Great British Bake Off, the recent gay games, and the commonwealth games, welcome to my version – The Great British Gay Off. Mattay Keytay @singingbathmatt gave me the idea for this on Twitter, so thanks!
They would be held over summer, when traditionally there seem to be many other sporting events. They would be televised on BBC 3, with Julian Clarey and Scott Mills as hosts. The judges, obvs would vary depending on the category, but I’d take from the crème de la crème of each category.
I’ve listed a few different games within this competition and how well I’d do at them.
Clothes coordination – capsule wardrobes. Packing for a fortnight within the Rynair 10kg of hand luggage restrictions. My standard weekend away wear consists of a pair of jeans, trainers, and two or three long sleeved cotton T shirts (I won’t countenance anything other than cotton against my skin) and a hoodie. Done. Simple. Actually, maybe I’d do really badly in this category. Although I have a growing wardrobe of natty jackets...so on balance...
Hairdressing – Mum is a hairdresser, and I’ve sometimes cut her hair, under close supervision obvs. I’ve coloured her hair too. And I’ve been known to sport hair that’s red, blond, and shades in between. I had highlights in my hair, a light frosting from la salon de ma mere (my mum’s salon) until a friend told me I was too old to have highlights. Now I’ve got little grey bits coming through, which I’m half debating whether to colour out, or return to the highlights. I vacillate between options most evenings. It’s been known to keep me awake too.
Wedding / event planning – I’ve been to a few gay weddings, and they’ve been so varied and perfectly suited the grooms, it was a joy to be there. I don’t think I’d do well with this, as even though I enjoy a good weekend away with friends or a party, the stress of putting together a wedding would somewhat take away from its enjoyment I think.
Decorating – I wouldn’t even get past the heats, or whatever they’re called. I’d be lucky to get past the Essex stage of this. I know when I like an interior decor *look* but have no imagination to translate that into my own home. My flat was white, with pine and mirrored wardrobes, with a light brown carpet. *shaking head at self* I know, I know. I have friends who re-decorate with the seasons, every time I visit them they’ve thrown up some new wallpaper, or painted through all the woodwork. It makes me exhausted just looking at it.
Looking good in Lycra – some would do well at this. Some of the, shall we say, better built men of that persuasion. I only get my legs out 1) on holiday or 2) in extremis when it’s more than 30C. I would do very badly here.
Beard trimming & Manscaping – I wouldn’t do well at this. I think I’m the only man in the northern hemisphere in his twenties – thirties, without some form of beard. I can never get past the week long itchy scratchy stage, and always cave and shave it off. Apparently the fashion for facial foliage has caused a £72billion loss in razors, shaving gel etc in Europe in the last year.
Quiffs – I think I’d do well in this category. Lift, length of quiff, hold, how short the sides are in comparison to the length of the quiff. I may get a bronze in this. In fact, maybe I’d get silver. *checks quiff in mirror*
Baking and cooking – baking I’d probably get past the Essex heats, but cooking, I’m less into that as I have a really sweet tooth, so tend to be less interested in *proper* cooking. I sometimes go to restaurants and have two desserts if I don’t fancy much from the starters or mains. Try it, waiters look at you like you’ve just asked for a lap dance from them.
Knowledge of divas' back catalogues – I have a scarily detailed knowledge of ABBA. If there was a book written about it, of a documentary aired about it, I’ve read or watched it. Just to keep up the stereotypes I’ve got *most* of Kylie’s back catalogue – the good, bad and indifferent as she swept through the years. If you search on my iphone for artist, the two most popular are ABBA, Erasure, then Kylie. I’ll just put that out there. I think I’d do well in this category.
Dancing – if knowing the moves to Reach, by S Club Seven, or some of the Steps dance routines counts, I’d do well here. *back from checking it’s 2014* oh, that’s all old hat is it? No matter, then I’d do badly here too I’m afraid.
Partying – Maybe ten years ago or more, I’d have done well here. I used to watch the sun rising over London having been up all night dancing and partying. I used to corner the prettiest drag queens in the VIP lounge at Heaven and chat to them until someone took them away. I went through a period when I told everyone I met in night clubs my job was a biscuit designer. ‘You know the party rings, I came up with the colours,’ I’d say. Much more interesting than what my real job was at the time. My new friends for the night would disappear back to the dance floor, never to be seen again. I know plenty of friends who still burn the candle at both ends, but I’m much more a night in with a film and a takeaway.
Any more categories from you?
Did you watch the Great British Bake Off, the gay games, the commonwealth games, anything with men in lycra?
I'm doing a giveaway of an ebook copy of Best Friends Perfect Book Two. If you comment to this post by 21.00 GMT on Wednesday 24 September 2014 with your category for the Great British Gay Off, and your email address, I'll enter you into a rafflecopter for a copy of Best Friends Perfect Book Two which is out now from Amazon.com Amazon.co.uk and Wilde City Press