The Online You vs The Real Life You

4/8/2014

So there was a thing recently where two m/m fiction authors who’d said they were gay men, came out that they were women. Apparently this isn’t the first time, and life being what it is, I expect it won’t be the last time. Some people who’d followed their blogs were very upset at the deception. Others shrugged and said nothing.

It made me think about how your online persona can differ from your real life persona, if you want it to. The great thing about the internet is it allows you to be who you want to be – or who you feel like you should be in real life.

Of course there are lots of different real life personas too: a work one, a mother one, a daughter one, a friend one, a wife one, but essentially they’re all part of one whole congruent real life persona.

For some people they only share so much about their real life selves online. For others it means becoming a completely different person online from their real life persona.

I’m not going to make any judgements about which is right or wrong, but I am going to explain where I sit on that scale.

Authenticity
Some of you have met me in person, so the pictures of me on this website are me. Hopefully those who’ve met me think the Liam Livings in person is pretty much like the online Liam Livings. For me it’s about authenticity.

Ok, hands up, Liam Livings is not my legal name, it’s not what’s on my passport or birth certificate, it’s a nom de plume taken from my dad’s best friend’s first name and my mum’s maiden name. I also like how it’s alliterative. In the m/m fiction genre people stick to their pen names much more than in mainstream romance. Mainstream romance authors often introduce themselves as ‘I’m Jan Smith, and I write as Mary Hatfield or Sandra Colant or Sharon Barina’ like it’s nothing. With all my writing friends, I am always Liam Livings. For me it keeps it simpler.

I am a British gay man in my *rolls eyes* twenties – thirties, living where east London ends and becomes Essex.

All of this about me stuff on here is true – except 5) but that’s something my mum did.

I did lose my dad in a light aircraft accident in 2001.

I read trashy autobiographies, chick lit and sometimes go off piste with an adventure or some m/m fiction.

I basically have the musical and TV taste of a teenaged girl, what is pretty stereotypically *gay* – and I don’t apologise about it: I love Gilmore Girls and Dawson’s Creek; I love The Wanted, Girls Aloud, Abba, Steps and lots and lots of eighties electro pop; I have a penchant for cheesy John Hughes films from the eighties and my favourite female actors are Toni Collette, Cameron Diaz, Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep. As you can imagine, Death Becomes Her, The Holiday and Muriel’s Wedding are watched with remarkable regularity at Livings Towers.

What don’t do online as Liam Livings

Use my BF’s name, or post any pictures of him
Same with members of my family or friends
Talk about my day job
Talk about any bedroom activities – I know other male m/m fiction authors who do this all the time. No judgement, but it’s not for me.

All the rest is much WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get).

That's Me
So to paraphrase an Abba song – had to get one in somewhere – I’m Liam-not-the-kind-of-guy-you’d-ask-to-put-up-shelves that’s me!

*steepling fingers and twirling round in a white leather chair* Of course, I could be a human like android like that little boy in the film, AI Artificial Intelligence, controlled by a big computer in Milton Keynes.

How does your online persona differ from your real life persona? Do you have some rules about what you do and don’t talk about online similar to me?

I’d love to hear from you,

Until next time,

Liam xx

38 Comments

Sue Brown link

4/8/2014 09:24:09 pm

I am much the same, Liam. I'm Sue Brown more than I am 'me', but having said that online you get what I give you. I don't give out my kids' names or family info in public. I write, I talk, I am Sue, but there is always a moment where the laptop goes down and I am mum or sister or friend.

I cannot judge others for what they do. I have an opinion (because I'm an opinionated cow), but as I posted yesterday, professionally it's not my business.

I am happy to know you as Liam and to meet you as such.

AnnMarie O'Callaghan

5/8/2014 12:55:42 am

I don't put out any pics of my youngest daughter or grandchildren (yes .. more than one and only 40 mumble!) . In fact I never say her name .. she is always Miss Chief (something we have called her since she started to crawl!) .. I very rarely put out drama and never speak fully about it in a public place but will do so via PM to only a select few . Anything else is just me .. I am who I am .. what people see as a nice middle aged woman can be a psycho b*tch when I need to be . I am not 2 faced and anything I have to say behind your back I will say to your face .

Kari

5/8/2014 12:20:12 pm

Hi Liam. It's nice to 'meet' you! Thank you for this post and admire you for just being you. I'm not a writer, but I read a ton of books. Although my name here isn't the name I go by now but it is from my life. And like you, what I post is the real me. I have a RL FB account also and I don't mix because I'm friends with my children and their friends there. I look forward to seeing your posts and hopefully read one of your creations.

Liam Livings

5/8/2014 09:16:05 pm

Hi Sue, that's pretty much my approach. We both have clear boundaries of what we do and don't share online & stick w that. I think not using names of kids & partners is pretty standard & sensible unless you have their permission obvs. :-)

Liam Livings

5/8/2014 09:18:15 pm

That sounds like a good approach. I don't like lots of public drama for the sake of drama.
Some writers refer to DH - dear husband or DD dear daughter. Or son #1 etc. whatever you and they're comfy with I suppose. :-)

Liam Livings

5/8/2014 09:20:02 pm

Hi Kari, they're sensible reasons for what you do. Which is all anyone can do really for their own reasons.
Hope you do read some of my stories. I have 2 novels & a story in an anthology out this month August 2014. Rest assured I will blog about them. :)

Jane Lovering link

6/8/2014 03:07:49 am

I am me, this is my name and I am this person, although my online persona is just a *little* more frantic, hyper and fond of biscuits than my real one, everyone who knows me will say it's pretty much the same. I do drop my kids' names into things, but since they have a different surname to me I reckon that's okay. I don't talk about my BF (because then it's not so embarrassing if it changes...hmmm hmmm), but apart from that my life is an open book. One with a saucy cover and very small print.

LM Somerton link

6/8/2014 03:15:56 am

I'm similar to you Liam. I use a pen name, don't talk about my offspring or my day job on line (other than its current level of evilness). I've never hidden that I'm female. I don't use pictures because of my job, but the pen portrait of me that appears sometimes is a good likeness. What others do is their business but its nice to get real insights into my online friends... oh and having met and sat next to the real-life Liam, I can bear witness that he's just as gorgeous as his pictures :)

Liam Livings

13/8/2014 12:17:59 am

Hi Jane, it sounds v sensible. The thing I've noticed
Is people are clear on the 'rules' for their online
Persona, whatever they may be.

Liam Livings

13/8/2014 12:19:45 am

V clear and sensible, L M Somerson.
Glad you liked the real live Liam as much as the online Liam :-)

Jan

5/1/2015 07:56:47 pm

Hi Liam, We've met and the 'you' I met seems like a nice guy. I'm sure the public persona also has area that are off limits, I know mine does. I'm pretty open on fb, my children are adults so I talk about them from time to time. And my life is pretty boring.Wysisyg, I'm bigger and cuddlier than the average bear. I do warn any colleagues of what they are likely to see if I friend them, and no where are any details of my employers.
My best friend however is pre-op trans and his o/l persona is very definitely alpha male. There are no o/l pics of him and he is evasive about anything personal. People will be both hurt and angry if/when the secret comes out. BUT the man we know online is much more 'him' than the woman his colleagues see every day, and he now has a place where he can be who he feels comfiest being.
Difficult one.

Lorraine Powell link

6/1/2015 12:39:40 am

Hi Liam - firstly can I say, you have excellent taste in films and TV!! I write as me - Lori Powell - I write YA in this name (MM & MF), I write more adult stuff as Olley White (my nan and Mum's maiden names) (I chose to have separate identities because I did not want younger teens reading anything inappropriate by accident) and review as Lorix at BMBR - but I don't keep any of my identities a secret. I'm not trying to pretend to be anything other than the getting on for forty (and holy crap does that sound old,) mum, wife bookaholic that I am.

I do try and keep my personal life relatively personal - my husband and kids aren't to be written about here there and everywhere! My actual job is unrelated to my writing. I love the online friends I've made - especially the other unicorns at BMBR and authors I have be-friended. I love this community.

So. Yeah. That's me!

Clare London link

6/1/2015 06:11:47 am

I'll admit, it really upsets me when these things happen. For all those 1000s of people who find social media empowering, who find new friends and support and entertainment, who use it to open up their lives, there are some who take it too far. I don't know why they do it, and I probably don't really want to. We all hold some things back - like other commenters, I don't write in my legal name, I talk about Son#1 and Son#2 rather than their names, and Hubby is regularly called Mr London to his face *g* - but I hope my personality is largely the same. Isn't that what it's about, connecting with people? And whatever I hide or "spin", I'd never think of "creating" to compensate. I'm sad for all the people this kind of thing hurts or disillusions. And I'm also very happy to have met the wonderful Liam Livings, whom I class one of my best friends, not only for the cut of his jacket! :)

Tim O'Rahilly (Author T.J.Masters) link

6/1/2015 06:39:22 am

Wise words all and I for one believe that All our online, public and private lives should run on one principle - HONESTY. We do not always have to be open or transparent but when we are we must be honest.
As for you lovely Liam, having met you in person I now know that you could not possibly be real! The Liam I know could never be controlled by a computer based anywhere so mundane as Milton Keynes!

Liam Livings

18/1/2015 04:42:48 pm

Thanks Jan. I appreciate this issue isn't quite as simple for everyone. I think the issue I disagree with is someone deliberately deceiving someone for their gain. Liam :-)

Liam Livings

18/1/2015 04:45:07 pm

Thanks Lorraine. I've never had someone telling me I have excellent taste in music & films! Usually people say I have the taste of a teenaged girl (not that I see anything specifically wrong with that as such!). Thanks for explaining your different online personas. Liam :-)

Liam Livings

18/1/2015 04:46:51 pm

Hi Clare, I think those boundaries you have are v sensible. And yes it's about connecting with people. Your online personality is the same as online - defo. Jacket update - I now have 6! Liam :-)

Liam Livings

18/1/2015 04:48:53 pm

Hi Tim, ok so busted it's not Milton Keynes, it's Stevenage. There's a computer in the basement of the council building that runs me remotely & I go back every now & then to for updates & to get some more new town geekiness. Liam :)

Alexa Milne

28/8/2015 07:22:28 pm

I tend to keep RL and writing self separate. I couldn't use my real name to write even if I wanted to as there is a reasonably well known author with the same name. I don't talk about my family as Alexa, but have occasionally mentioned the health problems that stopped me teaching. I keep it vague as to exactly where I live somewhere in deepest darkest Lancashire, but have said I am Welsh. My family know about my writing, so I'm not keeping secrets from them.
Sometimes I think I'm able to be me more as Alexa and it can be liberating. I don't put pictures of myself on FB but you might get the occasional one of my cat.

Chris Quinton link

29/8/2015 03:14:32 am

My pen name for writing gay romance is my maiden name, and I use my married name for my few mainstream stories. This is because of family hostility towards me writing gay fiction - not because my family are homophobic, far from it, but because my daughter in law sees this as me, a straight woman, fetishising gay men to sell pornographic books. Neither of which I do. So it's easier to keep that little distance, while at the same time being open - and proud - of what I write. Yes, Chris is gender-neutral, but it's short for Christine.

AE Ryecart link

29/8/2015 04:02:58 am

A really interesting subject, Liam, thanks for posting.

I'm new to writing MM and I did ponder whether or not to opt for a pen name before I published at the end of May. In the end I did, and one of the reasons for that was purely practical as so many get my real surname wrong which drives me up the wall. The initials, AER, though, are the same and that's important because I didn't want too much distance between me as an author and me as... not an author. When readers have emailed me I've always signed off as Ali, which is a shortened version of my first (real) name, and that feels right for me; giving a bit of me as me, but still keeping some distance. Does that make sense?

I'm naturally a sharer. I don't have an on-line persona that is distinct from who I am in "real" life, it's just the name's that's different. Frankly, I don't think I could maintain a persona that differed radically from who I am outside of writing. Like others, though, I draw the line at involving my family in what I put out as AE Ryecart. I have mentioned my husband on occasion as Mr R, although I did divulge a nickname that he has in one set of tweets.... He's an utter exhibitionist and he would love me to write about him, but I beyond the odd nugget I won't do it because there as to be some line that's not to be crossed, which means no real name or photos. Sounds to me like most people who have contributed to this discussion are of similar mind.

Lee Rowan link

29/8/2015 07:22:34 am

Considering how many guys still -- in 2015 -- refuse to write something written by a woman, and how much shit women get for writing men -- gay or otherwise -- I don't blame those who write in disguise. Bram Stoker was not a vampire, JK Rowling doesn't zoom on a broom. Things haven't changed all that much since "James Tiptree" was outed as female and hounded to death for daring to write Sci-Fi. There are some kick-ass female writers like Bujold and you still get the rabid curs screwing with the Hugos because they haven't worked out their mommy issues. I think a writer is better off keeping a strong boundary between business and personal.

I write with a gender-neutral name because my parents *gave* me a gender-neutral name, and I like it because I think gender roles are fairly stupid (apart from sperm donor and wet nurse/surrogate mother.) My stuff is beta'd by a gay man, one of my oldest friends, and I've had guys write me thinking "Lee" was a man, so ... dislike my writing if you want to, just remember that a human soul isn't limited by what's in the pants.

What you see otherwise is mostly what you get, but I don't mention my wife's name (doesn't matter as much, now, since she's working for a public university in a country with sane laws, instead of a Catholic college in a regressive state) because writing is not her job, it's mine. Our animals' names? No biggie, they aren't online. (If the cats learn how, I'm in trouble.) I don't talk about our sex life because that is private. And private means Nobody Else's Business.

Other than that..? I'm a proud Liberal, politically vociferous because if we don't speak up now, there might not be a later. I think animals are sentient beings just as we are and a lot of them are better than humans are, morally. I don't have the time to make up Sekrit Identities and jerk people around. I have a life.

Ulysses Dietz link

30/8/2015 06:37:58 am

I'd read this once before, Liam. I grapple with it but thought the best reply is to just do what you did. I write as part of my living. I'm old enough to be your father, and have been a museum curator in the USA since before you were born. I've written quite a few books and lots of articles under my full professional name. When I wrote my first day romance- with vampires no less, I decided not to take a pen name. Maybe because of my generation, and how hard I worked to come out and be out in a very closeted profession (really), it just felt like it was a closety thing to do. So when one Google's my name, my curatorial work, my gay vampire novels, and my relatively obvious connection to a major American historical figure is all there for anyone to find. That's the only way I could feel authentic. Even the.appearance of any shame over my gay life or gay writing would haunt me. I only mention my husband (of forty years) with his permission. I leave our children's lives alone. And nobody wants to hear about my sex life.

Elizabeth

30/8/2015 06:54:37 pm

I think I am with you here. As I suggest to my clients who have privacy issues: the truth, nothing but the truth - but not the whole truth...

Rj scott link

30/8/2015 07:59:29 pm

I'm nothing if not honest about what I share. My son is Matthew and has autism, my daughter briony is at university, RJ's hubby is known to anyone who has been to GRL. I am overweight, fiercely protective of friends, I write to the point I get a natural high from it and I am typically British with all the associated British neurosis. Rofl. My real name is Diane, but hell, everyone calls me RJ now, I even signed a cheque for matts school with my author name by mistake. Lol. I have a comment on people who pretend to be gay men... I don't like this whole cat fishing shit as it hurts so many people. Unfortunately I am now suspicious of everyone and that is sad. Oh and Liam, you are authentic and honest and I recall a conversation wher I pointed out 'gay men' can get a lot of followers in the gay romance arena and you should consider opening your profile up and building on your sexuality. Yes it was a long time ago and I was talking bollocks. Lol. I remember you said that being gay didn't define you and that you were an author first.

Go you. Xxxxxxxx

Written on a tiny iPhone screen with the devil that is autocorrect. Apologies for errors. X

Elin

30/8/2015 08:42:40 pm

Pen name all the way. I was advised by a friend to use a name that was easy to Google, and since my real name is common as dirt - there are four of us in just the organization I work for - I conflated my grandmother's name with the cat's. Other than the bogus name I guess I'm just guilty of pretending to be interesting. IRL I'm not.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:12:29 am

Hi Alexa, sounds like you keep things separate like me. It can sometimes be difficult to know *who* I'm doing something as, when I meet people in person!

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:16:24 am

Hi Chris, fetishising gay men to write pornographic books! Wow. That's a pretty strong accusation.
I think having more gay men in fiction is better than having fewer, even if their portrayal isn't *exactly* realistic (from a gay man's POV). However since when were characters in Romance novels there for the realism? Maybe that's another blog! I get the 'you write what?' from people and I am a gay man!

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:19:03 am

Hi, AE, that's pretty much how I do it. My real surname is rare, distinctive & difficult to pronounce! I think as long as you're authentically yourself online, you can share as much or as little about your life as you're comfy with.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:24:35 am

Hi Lee, I am all for authors wiring gay romance regardless of gender. However, politely, I don't agree with your examples because vampires & wizards don't exist but gay men do. However that doesn't mean a woman can't (& shouldn't & don't) write an authentic gay man in a story, same as a man can write a woman in a story.
I get really upset that some people say a gay male author in this genre gets a lot of kudos & gains readers b/c he is a gay male. I've not experienced that, just read some of my low starred reviews!
People are people & they should decide how to present themselves online how they're comfy & use a pen name if they prefer.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:27:41 am

Hi Ulysses, I understand that logic completely. I'm not ashamed of being gay, or writing gay romance, but I deliberately choose to keep this world & my day job worlds very separate. This is helped by using a pen name, while authentically presenting the same 'me' online & in person to people who know me as Liam or *legal name*.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:29:20 am

Elizabeth, I love that quote. It sums it up for me perfectly. I don't share everything about my life to everyone, and that doesn't make me a liar, it's privacy.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:33:37 am

Hi RJ, I love reading about your real life as well as your writing on your blog. It's what I try to do too.
I remember that convo too! I still say I may be *very gay* and quite obviously gay, but it definitely doesn't define me or become more than me. It is part of me. Yes I watch gay films, like lots of stereotypically gay things, but I also enjoy other stuff too.
People pretending to be gay men - so so sad that people can't be happy to be themselves & have to deceive others like that. That's v v different from using a pen name.

Liam Livings

2/9/2015 06:36:43 am

Elin, you are interesting. You're friendly, helpful, a brilliant beta reader & were so welcoming to me when I first started as Liam. xx
Pen names are a great way to separate RL & its private elements, and to ensure a distinctive author name! :-)

Ravyn Bryce

25/11/2015 07:14:19 am

Have not had the pleasure to meet you and recently ventured a wee bit away from the yaoi genre and into mm. Though I have two friends that write it and those were the only ones I read until recently. New to the scandals and who authors are. Still trying to figure out who is who.

Wish my mum had been cool enough to name me Ravyn, but she didn't. Instead named after a musical and get sung to a bit too much so I go by 'that' name in relatively few places.

There should be a separation between work and play. I block some photos and probably should do more. No one but my family cares about my kids, pets, or anything in life. Little tidbits into peoples lives are cool, but here to read the lovely books written. Honestly, I am bound to forget who has what pet, partner, etc. You and the other authors have a right to your private life, just as anyone does. At conventions I understand it, my ex never understood why I didn't stalk an actor I saw walking around. Because I thought he didn't need that and wanted time to himself. Perhaps makes no sense.

If I had a fantasy life, don't even write that one up in my blogs. Too honest too when asked questions. Both a good thing and bad. Past was fun, present is not. Writing is an escape as is reading, live vicariously through others.

Take care and again, pleasure to meet you!

Liam Livings

26/11/2015 10:48:46 am

Hi Ravyn Bryce, I am all for a separation between work and play. Having a fantasy life is fine, as long as you're not decieving others into it and getting them to do you favours for the terrible things happening (not happening) in your fantasy life.

Helena Stone

25/11/2015 10:28:05 am

For half a second I was tempted to sign in under my real life name, until I remembered that would only complicate matters ;) For what it's worth, there is virtually no barrier between Helena's online life and that of not writerly me. The whole idea of the author name was to give my (grown up daughter) the opportunity to completely deny that she had a mother who wrote books she'd no interest in reading. When she subsequently started bragging about my books to her friends and colleagues, the need for the name disappeared but by then I had two books out and changing back would only complicate matters. I interact with both my husband and daughter on both accounts and Helena has been known to jump into conversations the other me is engaged in and vice versa. Long story short, anybody with half a brain cell can track me from one account to the other should they wish to do so. Neither of me is very much into sharing when it comes to personal issues in my life, not because I don't want people to know but because I'm not comfortable talking about myself in detail. There won't be a 'here's who I am' post from me anywhere on FB. Everything I want people to know about me is already there for those who want to find it, including one or two pictures. I don't like that 'we' have more or less been forced into making statements like that and I personally feel that all it does is feed the paranoia. So yes, what you see is what you get, but if you want to see it, you'll have to trawl my timeline and find it :)

Liam Livings

26/11/2015 10:50:21 am

Hi Helena, It makes sense that you'd stick with a pen name once it's established, especially if it's doing well. I'm all for what you see is what you get, oh yes!

The Online You vs The Real Life You

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